It's 1:00 AM and I feel like Ranting...

I know that God's timing is perfect, and I know that He has everything under control, but it is still SO hard for me to wait.

I hate waiting to see how certain situations will unfold. I mean, I have a hard time waiting for the stop light to turn green, and I'm supposed to wait to see how my life is going to turn out?

I guess lately this has hit me because I am so ready to just move on with my life and get out of school. I'm ready to start feeling like I'm actually living--which is exactly what I said before I went to college ha...oh well.

ANYWAY....bottom line...it would be awesome if I knew what my future was and I didn't have to wait around for it to happen....but it's strengthening me to have to wait.

There are so many things that I'm hoping for right now, but I have no idea if they are in God's plan for my life or not....all I can do is pray about it.

In Desperate Need of an Update...

So as I was reading over my last blog entry I realized that I am in desperate need of an update (hence the title of this entry).

So to start off...

Life is Dandy :)

I finally grew a brain and realized that the reason I was so miserable was because I was completely ignoring what the Lord was saying to me. I came to the conclusion that it was either be miserable, or obey God...so I chose the latter.

I can't tell you how different life has been since. God provided me with some incredible friends, and He allowed me to reconnect a friend that I felt distant from. He filled my heart with an incredible amount of joy that I find hard to even describe, and He gave me my encouraging and optimistic attitude back. 

Looking back I realize that God used my trials, obstacles, and mistakes from last semester to grow me into who I am now (thank you Ben for helping me realize this). I was obviously at A&M for that one semester for a reason, and I truly believe it was so I could grow and learn from my experiences. Although I would do things differently if I got the chance, I am still thankful that the Lord used those hard times to sharpen me...even if I didn't know it.

I have had an overwhelming sense of peace lately...TRUE peace. Although sometimes I wish the future would hurry up and get her, I can't help but think that it is going to be amazing. I'm at the point right now where I will do whatever the Lord asks of me. Things always go better His way (took me long enough to figure that one out!), so I'm committed to doing whatever He asks. Thinking of the future almost brings tears of happiness to my eyes because I'm so incredibly excited.

Well...I must be heading to bed. My teddy bear Chubby looks lonely on my pillow... :)

Emotions

Although life without emotions would be incredibly boring, I also believe that life without emotions would be less confusing. 

Lately there have been so many things going on, so many new things thrown in my face, and so many changes that I think I have about a million different emotions going on inside of me right now.

Just to list a few off...

-Fear

-Sadness

-Excitement

-Regret

-Confusion

-Anticipation

-Frustration

-Eagerness

-Longing

The list goes on.

The ways that I let my emotions out the best is through song and through painting. Barbara reminded me of this when I talked to her yesterday, and I have made it my goal to paint something and/or write a song that depicts how I'm feeling sometime this week. I have no idea how it will turn out. I guess we will have to see.

The world is a crazy place I have decided. It throws things at you that you didn't see coming and didn't have time to prepare for. I wish I had been prepared for so much more when I went to college. I wish I had known what to do in certain situations. Maybe people had even tried telling me what to do, I was just too prideful to take it into consideration. Stupid me.

My life right now feels like a wrestling match. I feel like I am having to wrestle all of these different obstacles, but each obstacle leaves something behind...good or bad. There is either the pain of knowing that I definitely didn't do what I was supposed to do, or contentment, knowing that I did the right thing. And with every different obstacle, there is another emotion that just gets added to the pile. 

I wonder if the craziness ever ends. Will there be a time in my life when I am completely content and at peace? Or will it always feel as if I'm fighting for my life (or maybe just my sanity)? 

I'm just ready for my life to feel normal again. No more regrets, no more stupid mistakes. Just me, Jessica. The real me; the happy me. I'm ready to be the girl I used to be. The happy, carefree, joyful, energetic Jessica.

I Wish I Could Go Back in Time

So maybe this is a little bit of a contradiction to my last entry, but I need to vent, and that's what blogs are for right?

I can't stop thinking about how different things would be if I had just taken things seriously last semester. If I had just listened more intently in my classes, actually gone to all my classes, talked to the professors, gone to tutoring, studied harder--pretty much done everything that everyone told me to do--I would be going back to A&M next semester. I wish I had a do-over. Just one more chance to prove myself.

Why on earth is this happening to me?

Why did God have to make me the kind of person that can't seem to take things seriously when I need to. I seem to think that everything is going to be fine no matter what, but that's not true. I have to work for the things I want. I wish I could just get that hammered in my head.

I'm going to miss so much next semester. All my close friends are in College Station. Why do we have to be separated?

I know that God has to have some big plan in all of this, but what is it? Why can't I just know what He's thinking? Why does life have to be so hard?

This is the lowest point of my life, and it's so hard. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life, I feel like nothing is going right, and no matter how hard I try, things don't get any easier. There is always another bump in the road or another wall to climb. I'm so tired of this.

I just wish I could go back in time and do it all over. I feel like such a failure. I failed my parents and I definitely failed myself. I had such a careless attitude. I just wish I could do it all over again...the right way.

This is so hard, and I just want to go back.

I'm Looking Forward

These past couple of weeks have been completely insane.

I have gone through a lot of changes and have had to really step out of my comfort zone. 

BUT

I'm a little excited about next semester despite the fact that I'm not going to be at A&M.

I'm excited about finally following my dream. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm really supposed to be doing photography. Looking at pictures makes me want to go out and make something look beautiful. :)

I also feel like the Lord has something else planned for me outside of just what I'm going to major in. I mean, maybe it's going into the ministry, doing missions, or something else. I have no idea. But I do know that I'm completely open to whatever He has planned. I've gone through so much these past few weeks, that nothing can stop me from doing what I want or think I should do :)

Bring it on. 

I Miss How I Used To Be

These past few days I've just been thinking about the times that I was happiest.

They were obviously the times that I was 100% right with the Lord. 

I just remember how carefree, innocent, and joyful I was...pretty much all the time. I miss just being myself; I miss feeling at peace about everything in my life; I miss knowing that everything was going to be ok no matter what; I miss the way the Lord used to speak to me in incredible ways; I miss writing songs about my Savior; I miss being creative and doing nice things for my friends; I miss the way I used to be able to cheer people up; I miss everything.

I want that back so badly. I know the only way I can get it back is to be right with the Lord again. I think that my laziness is just getting in the way. I keep thinking "Ah! It's going to take too much work!" Why can't I realize that it's worth it...what is stopping me!?

Christmas break is going to be glorious. I'm going to get the chance to be with the Lord without any distractions....except for the jobs that I'm going to have. I'm going to spend some time on the 360 overlook just basking in His greatness and completely turning my life over to Him. I can't wait.

I'm Changing my Plans

AHHHHH!

Yes I know, my life seems like a roller coaster, and I'm sure that everyone looking from the outside in is totally confused.

BUT...

Right now, here is the plan.

I didn't do as well at Blinn TEAM as I thought I would. I admit that it is completely my fault, but I also wasn't expecting it to be as tough as it was.

ANYWAY...to give you the readers' digest version, I am going to be going home next semester. I think it's the best choice for me in many ways. I need to get my entire life back on track because I feel that I haven't been living the way I'm supposed to since I got to A&M. I need to focus on my spiritual walk as well as my grades, and I think that the best way for me to do that right now is by staying home.

ALSO...

I am probably going to be pursuing photography again. ACC has one of the best programs in the nation, and I think that photography is really my passion. Not to say that I wouldn't LOVE to do kinesiology and be a PE teacher, I just feel like my true passion is in photography.

I'm totally excited...!!

I feel like I am going to be more motivated to do my work since I am really working toward something that I love to do.

This is going to be a big change, but I'm ready to face it...I think. :)

He's Called the Prince of Peace for a Reason

Peace: Freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility 

After working everything out and just laying my problems at the Lord's feet, He completely filled me with an overwhelming sense of joy and peace. I have been a much happier person this week which has definitely confused a few people. On Monday, despite the huge amount of studying and writing that I had to do, I was so joyful....the only explanation is the Lord. One of my friends was like "Jessica, it's normal to be upset...you don't have to fake being happy." I definitely wasn't faking.

The weather is helping with my good mood as well. It's the perfect temperature, and the skies are the bluest blue I've ever seen. It is amazing. :)

OH...creepy story real fast...So at the intersection of Texas and Holleman there are a million birds that completely cover the traffic lights, the shopping center signs, the grass, the trees...they are EVERYWHERE. It's exactly like the movie The Birds if you've ever seen it. I go as fast as I can through that intersection b/c I'm always afraid birds are going to attack my car...haha

Anyway...the joys of geography await....

Future

Lately I have found myself thinking about my future a lot.

What will I do when I get out of college? Where will I live? But the question most frequently crossing my mind has been "Who will my husband be?"

I joke around all the time about going to college to get my "MRS. Degree", but half the time...I don't think I'm joking. It seems like every guy I meet I'm like "Oh is he the one? What about him? Or him?". And with every new guy friendship I have learned a lot about who I am and what kind of guy I want to marry. However, there are times when I want God to grant me with a power that will allow me to see whether or not this guy is the one for me...but unfortunately, he never does. 

I need to trust in the Lord and His plan for my life. I know, I know, I say that all the time, but just like every other time, it's just as relevant. And just like every time, I'm not doing it.

It is so hard! And I always tell myself "well if I just had a husband, trusting the Lord would be so much easier", but deep down, I know thats not true.

Through all of this craziness I have come to realize that God has blessed me with really good discernment. I don't know why, but I am so thankful. I feel like I can pick out who is real and who is fake toward me. HOWEVER, I tend to screw it up sometimes and completely ignore it if God is saying "Uh, Jessica, this is definitely not the guy." Sometimes I just blow him off, which totally ruins the whole gift of discernment.

BUT...I can now say that I have been completely up front with the guys that I do NOT want a relationship with, and it feels wonderful. That actually sounds a little harsh when I say it like that, but let it be known that I let them know in a very loving way. 

Things are complicated...but it is all going to be ok :)

P.S. The school part of college is about a million times harder than the social part....it's a proven fact.

God is Awesome

OH MY GOODNESS!

He has been working in my life like no other in the past 2 days.

Although it hasn't necessarily been easy, I know He's doing something.

At church yesterday the sermon spoke to me like no other.

It was seriously like "Oh hey Jessica. I'm God. I love you. You should love others. You should put what you learn into practice. Why haven't you been doing that anyway?"

Whenever I struggle with certain things I have been searching His Word, and it has helped me so much!

I still have a lot of things to work on, but He's slowly but surly changing my heart...and it's awesome :)

Starting Over

So I'm going on this fast from guys.

So far since I've started college, guys have been a huge distraction.

To be honest, I'm SO tired of it...

I'm tired of the mixed emotions. I'm tired of the confusion. I'm tired of people kicking me to the curb.

Last night someone reinforced to me that God is the only one that will NEVER let me down.

He is the only one that will be here all the time. He's the only one that won't hurt me. He's the only one that will never break my heart. He is always here.

I'm tired of pursuing things that I know will never work out and that are completely meaningless. I'm tired of being "friends" with people that are just going to ditch me when someone better comes along.

College has been a learning experience for sure, but not in the area of academics (unfortunately). I have learned so much just from being here for a month and a half. 

Here is a list of some life lessons:

1. Most guys want the same thing....to be physical...christian or nonchristian...they want the same thing

2. No one will satisfy....I have felt so empty on the inside, and I know why...because NO ONE will satisfy like Christ

3. Hitting rock bottom sucks

4. God has someone amazing picked out for me, I just have to wait for him...but it's going to be worth it in the end

5. Just being friends is an amazing thing...that is if you are both cool with just being friends

6. Girl friends are a necessity

7. It's ok to bawl your eyes out every once in a while

8. The empty feeling in your stomach means that something is definitely not right

9. College is stinkin hard

10. Being in the Word is crucial

There are more, but I figured 10 was a good number to end on...

It's going to be a crazy journey...

Guts and Glutes

OH MY GOODNESS...

Paige and I had our first Guts and Glutes class today

IT WAS KILLER

Our instructor was super cute, and fit of course. And she pretty much kept saying (In a very peppy voice) "Ok..this is going to hurt really bad, but we can do it! Ok...1...2...3..."

It. Was. Awesome.

I just kept cracking up the entire time because it hurt so bad (I know that sounds weird, but I was pretty much laughing about how out of shape I am). It was ridiculous...BUT...although it hurt SO bad...we are DEFINITELY going back next week...it was a good kind of pain...

and tomorrow...it will be an even better kind of pain.

I'm looking forward to Thursday's Yoga class :)

Biology will be the death of me

Soooo....I pretty much have my first round of tests over and done with ... They all went well except for one...

BIOLOGY...dum dum dumm....

I may die by the time this class is over with. And Kasey informed me that "Biology will rip me apart"....CAN'T WAIT!

But other than Biology, this week was a pretty good week.

Paige and I got this Rexercise pass that lets us go to all the classes at the Rec. We're going to do 2 classes a week. Right now we're looking at Yoga and this Guts and Glutes class that is going to make us the most ripped girls on campus...haha BUT...to say the least...we are completely stoked about it!

We also have our second home game tomorrow....let's all hope and pray that the Aggies don't pull another Arkansas State on us...

I just cleaned the apartment and now I'm doing laundry...a clean apartment is a great feeling :)

Anyway...I have some reading to do....ughhh

P.S. Robbie Seay came to Breakaway this week, and one of his songs is AMAZING...it's called Song of Hope...check it out :)

It has been a struggle

Lately I have found myself feeling completely unorganized and confused about pretty much everything around me, and there is only one explanation...

I haven't been in the Word like I should.

Now that I'm on  my own I realize how right my parents, youth pastor, pastor, and mentors were when they told me that staying in the Word would keep me on track. I must have thought they were kidding because I didn't take them seriously. Fortunately I have learned. I learned the hard way, but it's better than not learning at all.

I met this amazing girl named Paige that has pretty much become my best friend in College Station. Although we just met, it feels like we've known each other forever.  What I really like about her is that she tells me straight up what she thinks, and last night she hit the nail on the head. We were talking about guys (shocker...haha) and she pretty much told me that I need to put the Lord first in everything I do in life. He needs to be in the middle of ALL  my relationships...whether it's a friendship or a dating relationship. It made me think about my life in general. I realized that I hadn't put the Lord first in ANYTHING I had done since I got here. Don't get me wrong, I've been to church and breakaway (a giant worship service on Tuesday nights), but when it boils down to it, that's pretty much all I've done. It hasn't been a day-to-day thing. 

Starting today, September 14th, I'm going to start putting the Lord first. I'm going to commit to being in the Word every day. I know it's going to be tough, and my prayer is that this isn't just talk, but it's real. 

I need my focus to be in the right place. I feel like so far my life in college has been meaningless, and it's not a good feeling. I want to have purpose. I want to make good decisions. I want to live for something. 

That's where I'm at...

The Time Has Come..

I'm finally leaving on Sunday (pretty much)...

I thought I would be completely stoked...but truthfully, there are about a million different emotions inside me.

1. I'm scared out of my mind- not just about the school part, but about finding friends, and really just being completely, 100% on my own

2. I'm so nervous- and this is mostly about classes

3. I'm excited!- I know I'm going to meet a lot of new people and have some awesome experiences

4. I'm sad- I'm leaving so many of my close friends, and I have so many good friends going to other colleges. I'm also leaving the church that I've been going to for 14 years...and I'm going to miss it A LOT.

Emotions can be lame sometimes...

My House Is Destroyed

Seriously...

We're in the process of moving everything out of our house, and the inside of our house is completely torn apart.

I'm pretty sure that I can't see the floor of my room (which is very unusual if you have ever seen how my room normally looks). I feel completely unorganized...BUT...the good news is that it will hopefully all be over in about a week :)

OH ...and I'm in the process of repainting some of my furniture for my apartment...and it looks fantastic thus far. 

:)

Well, I must be going...we are celebrating my grandparent's 50th anniversary today...

woo!

Just thoughts...

I'm SO ready for college.

I'm not necessarily ready in the sense of getting everything together, but I'm definitely mentally ready for it. 

Or at least I think I am.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

I was listening to this song by Sanctus Real the other day on my way to work and it was exactly what I was feeling at the moment which was crazy (God is so awesome like that).

Here are the lyrics:

It's time for healing time to move on 
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong 
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me 
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To... 

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me 
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos but now I can see 
This something bigger than me 
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house 
Time breathe in and let everything out

I guess this pretty much describes my entire life right now.

I feel like lately I've been reevaluating who I am and who I want to become.

I feel like God is trying to do something in my life, I'm just not sure what. 

Stress

Stress : physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension 

I. Am. Stressed.

Why?

I feel like I have a million things to do and really little time to do it. 

Like let's see...

1. VBS stuff

2. I have to call about my dumb scholarship that they haven't sent to me yet

3. Apartment shopping (which I'm actually looking forward to, I just need to find the time)

4. Register for classes (they decided to close it until July 28th for some reason...thanks)

5. Move out of our house and into my parent's apartment

BLAH BLAH BLAH

Heaven is going to be awesome...no stress, never run out of time...it's going to be glorious :)

"Jessica, We Need to Talk" -God

OK so I talked a little yesterday about how the Lord spoke to me last week.

I got the chance to talk about it with my parents last night and it seriously led me to tears.

I didn't really know how to describe how the Lord had spoken to me, I just knew that I needed to start over in a few areas.

I finally realized that it was seeing Christ in the group of college students last week that made me want to change who I have been lately.

They reflected Christ like a mirror, and I want that so badly. 

God gave me a couple specific areas that He wants me to change in.

1. I really need to start having a DAILY quiet time again.

2. I need to make Him 100% number one in my life.

So today I read a little in Ecclesiastes 5 for my college Bible study.

Verse 7 really popped out...

"Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore, stand in awe of God."

It reminds me of the "Be still and know that I am God." verse.

It's pretty much saying "Jessica, shut up and realize how awesome I am."

I don't do that near enough. I am always running around doing something and I never seem to just stop and take in His beauty.

I just need to slow down.

Psalm 84:2 says

"My soul YEARNS, even faints for courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh CRY OUT for the living God." 

My prayer is that I will become like that, and that I will desire the Lord more than anything.

I Forgot To Mention

We sold our house last Sunday...

Am I happy?

Well, here's how it went down..

So last Sunday I was feeling pretty crumby (I had some hardcore allergies...I would go into detail, but it's quite unpleasant), and I had to skip church, so my day was already not going to well. I started doing some laundry, and my dad came prancing down the hall yelling "We sold our house!" 

I'm thinking "ok, so I missed church because my whole head is about to explode from allergies, I'm doing my laundry, and now my house is pretty much no longer mine."

Let's just say that it wasn't the greatest timing.

I think I'm fine with it now though. I had 5 hours to think and vent about it to Patty on the way to Sherman the next day (poor Patty).

But I am proud of my parents. I definitely think they are making the right choice. It's going to be an interesting adventure.