It's 1:00 AM and I feel like Ranting...

I know that God's timing is perfect, and I know that He has everything under control, but it is still SO hard for me to wait.

I hate waiting to see how certain situations will unfold. I mean, I have a hard time waiting for the stop light to turn green, and I'm supposed to wait to see how my life is going to turn out?

I guess lately this has hit me because I am so ready to just move on with my life and get out of school. I'm ready to start feeling like I'm actually living--which is exactly what I said before I went to college ha...oh well.

ANYWAY....bottom line...it would be awesome if I knew what my future was and I didn't have to wait around for it to happen....but it's strengthening me to have to wait.

There are so many things that I'm hoping for right now, but I have no idea if they are in God's plan for my life or not....all I can do is pray about it.

In Desperate Need of an Update...

So as I was reading over my last blog entry I realized that I am in desperate need of an update (hence the title of this entry).

So to start off...

Life is Dandy :)

I finally grew a brain and realized that the reason I was so miserable was because I was completely ignoring what the Lord was saying to me. I came to the conclusion that it was either be miserable, or obey God...so I chose the latter.

I can't tell you how different life has been since. God provided me with some incredible friends, and He allowed me to reconnect a friend that I felt distant from. He filled my heart with an incredible amount of joy that I find hard to even describe, and He gave me my encouraging and optimistic attitude back. 

Looking back I realize that God used my trials, obstacles, and mistakes from last semester to grow me into who I am now (thank you Ben for helping me realize this). I was obviously at A&M for that one semester for a reason, and I truly believe it was so I could grow and learn from my experiences. Although I would do things differently if I got the chance, I am still thankful that the Lord used those hard times to sharpen me...even if I didn't know it.

I have had an overwhelming sense of peace lately...TRUE peace. Although sometimes I wish the future would hurry up and get her, I can't help but think that it is going to be amazing. I'm at the point right now where I will do whatever the Lord asks of me. Things always go better His way (took me long enough to figure that one out!), so I'm committed to doing whatever He asks. Thinking of the future almost brings tears of happiness to my eyes because I'm so incredibly excited.

Well...I must be heading to bed. My teddy bear Chubby looks lonely on my pillow... :)

Emotions

Although life without emotions would be incredibly boring, I also believe that life without emotions would be less confusing. 

Lately there have been so many things going on, so many new things thrown in my face, and so many changes that I think I have about a million different emotions going on inside of me right now.

Just to list a few off...

-Fear

-Sadness

-Excitement

-Regret

-Confusion

-Anticipation

-Frustration

-Eagerness

-Longing

The list goes on.

The ways that I let my emotions out the best is through song and through painting. Barbara reminded me of this when I talked to her yesterday, and I have made it my goal to paint something and/or write a song that depicts how I'm feeling sometime this week. I have no idea how it will turn out. I guess we will have to see.

The world is a crazy place I have decided. It throws things at you that you didn't see coming and didn't have time to prepare for. I wish I had been prepared for so much more when I went to college. I wish I had known what to do in certain situations. Maybe people had even tried telling me what to do, I was just too prideful to take it into consideration. Stupid me.

My life right now feels like a wrestling match. I feel like I am having to wrestle all of these different obstacles, but each obstacle leaves something behind...good or bad. There is either the pain of knowing that I definitely didn't do what I was supposed to do, or contentment, knowing that I did the right thing. And with every different obstacle, there is another emotion that just gets added to the pile. 

I wonder if the craziness ever ends. Will there be a time in my life when I am completely content and at peace? Or will it always feel as if I'm fighting for my life (or maybe just my sanity)? 

I'm just ready for my life to feel normal again. No more regrets, no more stupid mistakes. Just me, Jessica. The real me; the happy me. I'm ready to be the girl I used to be. The happy, carefree, joyful, energetic Jessica.