I Wish I Could Go Back in Time

So maybe this is a little bit of a contradiction to my last entry, but I need to vent, and that's what blogs are for right?

I can't stop thinking about how different things would be if I had just taken things seriously last semester. If I had just listened more intently in my classes, actually gone to all my classes, talked to the professors, gone to tutoring, studied harder--pretty much done everything that everyone told me to do--I would be going back to A&M next semester. I wish I had a do-over. Just one more chance to prove myself.

Why on earth is this happening to me?

Why did God have to make me the kind of person that can't seem to take things seriously when I need to. I seem to think that everything is going to be fine no matter what, but that's not true. I have to work for the things I want. I wish I could just get that hammered in my head.

I'm going to miss so much next semester. All my close friends are in College Station. Why do we have to be separated?

I know that God has to have some big plan in all of this, but what is it? Why can't I just know what He's thinking? Why does life have to be so hard?

This is the lowest point of my life, and it's so hard. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life, I feel like nothing is going right, and no matter how hard I try, things don't get any easier. There is always another bump in the road or another wall to climb. I'm so tired of this.

I just wish I could go back in time and do it all over. I feel like such a failure. I failed my parents and I definitely failed myself. I had such a careless attitude. I just wish I could do it all over again...the right way.

This is so hard, and I just want to go back.

I'm Looking Forward

These past couple of weeks have been completely insane.

I have gone through a lot of changes and have had to really step out of my comfort zone. 

BUT

I'm a little excited about next semester despite the fact that I'm not going to be at A&M.

I'm excited about finally following my dream. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm really supposed to be doing photography. Looking at pictures makes me want to go out and make something look beautiful. :)

I also feel like the Lord has something else planned for me outside of just what I'm going to major in. I mean, maybe it's going into the ministry, doing missions, or something else. I have no idea. But I do know that I'm completely open to whatever He has planned. I've gone through so much these past few weeks, that nothing can stop me from doing what I want or think I should do :)

Bring it on. 

I Miss How I Used To Be

These past few days I've just been thinking about the times that I was happiest.

They were obviously the times that I was 100% right with the Lord. 

I just remember how carefree, innocent, and joyful I was...pretty much all the time. I miss just being myself; I miss feeling at peace about everything in my life; I miss knowing that everything was going to be ok no matter what; I miss the way the Lord used to speak to me in incredible ways; I miss writing songs about my Savior; I miss being creative and doing nice things for my friends; I miss the way I used to be able to cheer people up; I miss everything.

I want that back so badly. I know the only way I can get it back is to be right with the Lord again. I think that my laziness is just getting in the way. I keep thinking "Ah! It's going to take too much work!" Why can't I realize that it's worth it...what is stopping me!?

Christmas break is going to be glorious. I'm going to get the chance to be with the Lord without any distractions....except for the jobs that I'm going to have. I'm going to spend some time on the 360 overlook just basking in His greatness and completely turning my life over to Him. I can't wait.

I'm Changing my Plans

AHHHHH!

Yes I know, my life seems like a roller coaster, and I'm sure that everyone looking from the outside in is totally confused.

BUT...

Right now, here is the plan.

I didn't do as well at Blinn TEAM as I thought I would. I admit that it is completely my fault, but I also wasn't expecting it to be as tough as it was.

ANYWAY...to give you the readers' digest version, I am going to be going home next semester. I think it's the best choice for me in many ways. I need to get my entire life back on track because I feel that I haven't been living the way I'm supposed to since I got to A&M. I need to focus on my spiritual walk as well as my grades, and I think that the best way for me to do that right now is by staying home.

ALSO...

I am probably going to be pursuing photography again. ACC has one of the best programs in the nation, and I think that photography is really my passion. Not to say that I wouldn't LOVE to do kinesiology and be a PE teacher, I just feel like my true passion is in photography.

I'm totally excited...!!

I feel like I am going to be more motivated to do my work since I am really working toward something that I love to do.

This is going to be a big change, but I'm ready to face it...I think. :)

He's Called the Prince of Peace for a Reason

Peace: Freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility 

After working everything out and just laying my problems at the Lord's feet, He completely filled me with an overwhelming sense of joy and peace. I have been a much happier person this week which has definitely confused a few people. On Monday, despite the huge amount of studying and writing that I had to do, I was so joyful....the only explanation is the Lord. One of my friends was like "Jessica, it's normal to be upset...you don't have to fake being happy." I definitely wasn't faking.

The weather is helping with my good mood as well. It's the perfect temperature, and the skies are the bluest blue I've ever seen. It is amazing. :)

OH...creepy story real fast...So at the intersection of Texas and Holleman there are a million birds that completely cover the traffic lights, the shopping center signs, the grass, the trees...they are EVERYWHERE. It's exactly like the movie The Birds if you've ever seen it. I go as fast as I can through that intersection b/c I'm always afraid birds are going to attack my car...haha

Anyway...the joys of geography await....

Future

Lately I have found myself thinking about my future a lot.

What will I do when I get out of college? Where will I live? But the question most frequently crossing my mind has been "Who will my husband be?"

I joke around all the time about going to college to get my "MRS. Degree", but half the time...I don't think I'm joking. It seems like every guy I meet I'm like "Oh is he the one? What about him? Or him?". And with every new guy friendship I have learned a lot about who I am and what kind of guy I want to marry. However, there are times when I want God to grant me with a power that will allow me to see whether or not this guy is the one for me...but unfortunately, he never does. 

I need to trust in the Lord and His plan for my life. I know, I know, I say that all the time, but just like every other time, it's just as relevant. And just like every time, I'm not doing it.

It is so hard! And I always tell myself "well if I just had a husband, trusting the Lord would be so much easier", but deep down, I know thats not true.

Through all of this craziness I have come to realize that God has blessed me with really good discernment. I don't know why, but I am so thankful. I feel like I can pick out who is real and who is fake toward me. HOWEVER, I tend to screw it up sometimes and completely ignore it if God is saying "Uh, Jessica, this is definitely not the guy." Sometimes I just blow him off, which totally ruins the whole gift of discernment.

BUT...I can now say that I have been completely up front with the guys that I do NOT want a relationship with, and it feels wonderful. That actually sounds a little harsh when I say it like that, but let it be known that I let them know in a very loving way. 

Things are complicated...but it is all going to be ok :)

P.S. The school part of college is about a million times harder than the social part....it's a proven fact.

God is Awesome

OH MY GOODNESS!

He has been working in my life like no other in the past 2 days.

Although it hasn't necessarily been easy, I know He's doing something.

At church yesterday the sermon spoke to me like no other.

It was seriously like "Oh hey Jessica. I'm God. I love you. You should love others. You should put what you learn into practice. Why haven't you been doing that anyway?"

Whenever I struggle with certain things I have been searching His Word, and it has helped me so much!

I still have a lot of things to work on, but He's slowly but surly changing my heart...and it's awesome :)

Starting Over

So I'm going on this fast from guys.

So far since I've started college, guys have been a huge distraction.

To be honest, I'm SO tired of it...

I'm tired of the mixed emotions. I'm tired of the confusion. I'm tired of people kicking me to the curb.

Last night someone reinforced to me that God is the only one that will NEVER let me down.

He is the only one that will be here all the time. He's the only one that won't hurt me. He's the only one that will never break my heart. He is always here.

I'm tired of pursuing things that I know will never work out and that are completely meaningless. I'm tired of being "friends" with people that are just going to ditch me when someone better comes along.

College has been a learning experience for sure, but not in the area of academics (unfortunately). I have learned so much just from being here for a month and a half. 

Here is a list of some life lessons:

1. Most guys want the same thing....to be physical...christian or nonchristian...they want the same thing

2. No one will satisfy....I have felt so empty on the inside, and I know why...because NO ONE will satisfy like Christ

3. Hitting rock bottom sucks

4. God has someone amazing picked out for me, I just have to wait for him...but it's going to be worth it in the end

5. Just being friends is an amazing thing...that is if you are both cool with just being friends

6. Girl friends are a necessity

7. It's ok to bawl your eyes out every once in a while

8. The empty feeling in your stomach means that something is definitely not right

9. College is stinkin hard

10. Being in the Word is crucial

There are more, but I figured 10 was a good number to end on...

It's going to be a crazy journey...

Guts and Glutes

OH MY GOODNESS...

Paige and I had our first Guts and Glutes class today

IT WAS KILLER

Our instructor was super cute, and fit of course. And she pretty much kept saying (In a very peppy voice) "Ok..this is going to hurt really bad, but we can do it! Ok...1...2...3..."

It. Was. Awesome.

I just kept cracking up the entire time because it hurt so bad (I know that sounds weird, but I was pretty much laughing about how out of shape I am). It was ridiculous...BUT...although it hurt SO bad...we are DEFINITELY going back next week...it was a good kind of pain...

and tomorrow...it will be an even better kind of pain.

I'm looking forward to Thursday's Yoga class :)

Biology will be the death of me

Soooo....I pretty much have my first round of tests over and done with ... They all went well except for one...

BIOLOGY...dum dum dumm....

I may die by the time this class is over with. And Kasey informed me that "Biology will rip me apart"....CAN'T WAIT!

But other than Biology, this week was a pretty good week.

Paige and I got this Rexercise pass that lets us go to all the classes at the Rec. We're going to do 2 classes a week. Right now we're looking at Yoga and this Guts and Glutes class that is going to make us the most ripped girls on campus...haha BUT...to say the least...we are completely stoked about it!

We also have our second home game tomorrow....let's all hope and pray that the Aggies don't pull another Arkansas State on us...

I just cleaned the apartment and now I'm doing laundry...a clean apartment is a great feeling :)

Anyway...I have some reading to do....ughhh

P.S. Robbie Seay came to Breakaway this week, and one of his songs is AMAZING...it's called Song of Hope...check it out :)

It has been a struggle

Lately I have found myself feeling completely unorganized and confused about pretty much everything around me, and there is only one explanation...

I haven't been in the Word like I should.

Now that I'm on  my own I realize how right my parents, youth pastor, pastor, and mentors were when they told me that staying in the Word would keep me on track. I must have thought they were kidding because I didn't take them seriously. Fortunately I have learned. I learned the hard way, but it's better than not learning at all.

I met this amazing girl named Paige that has pretty much become my best friend in College Station. Although we just met, it feels like we've known each other forever.  What I really like about her is that she tells me straight up what she thinks, and last night she hit the nail on the head. We were talking about guys (shocker...haha) and she pretty much told me that I need to put the Lord first in everything I do in life. He needs to be in the middle of ALL  my relationships...whether it's a friendship or a dating relationship. It made me think about my life in general. I realized that I hadn't put the Lord first in ANYTHING I had done since I got here. Don't get me wrong, I've been to church and breakaway (a giant worship service on Tuesday nights), but when it boils down to it, that's pretty much all I've done. It hasn't been a day-to-day thing. 

Starting today, September 14th, I'm going to start putting the Lord first. I'm going to commit to being in the Word every day. I know it's going to be tough, and my prayer is that this isn't just talk, but it's real. 

I need my focus to be in the right place. I feel like so far my life in college has been meaningless, and it's not a good feeling. I want to have purpose. I want to make good decisions. I want to live for something. 

That's where I'm at...

The Time Has Come..

I'm finally leaving on Sunday (pretty much)...

I thought I would be completely stoked...but truthfully, there are about a million different emotions inside me.

1. I'm scared out of my mind- not just about the school part, but about finding friends, and really just being completely, 100% on my own

2. I'm so nervous- and this is mostly about classes

3. I'm excited!- I know I'm going to meet a lot of new people and have some awesome experiences

4. I'm sad- I'm leaving so many of my close friends, and I have so many good friends going to other colleges. I'm also leaving the church that I've been going to for 14 years...and I'm going to miss it A LOT.

Emotions can be lame sometimes...

My House Is Destroyed

Seriously...

We're in the process of moving everything out of our house, and the inside of our house is completely torn apart.

I'm pretty sure that I can't see the floor of my room (which is very unusual if you have ever seen how my room normally looks). I feel completely unorganized...BUT...the good news is that it will hopefully all be over in about a week :)

OH ...and I'm in the process of repainting some of my furniture for my apartment...and it looks fantastic thus far. 

:)

Well, I must be going...we are celebrating my grandparent's 50th anniversary today...

woo!

Just thoughts...

I'm SO ready for college.

I'm not necessarily ready in the sense of getting everything together, but I'm definitely mentally ready for it. 

Or at least I think I am.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

I was listening to this song by Sanctus Real the other day on my way to work and it was exactly what I was feeling at the moment which was crazy (God is so awesome like that).

Here are the lyrics:

It's time for healing time to move on 
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong 
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me 
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To... 

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me 
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos but now I can see 
This something bigger than me 
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house 
Time breathe in and let everything out

I guess this pretty much describes my entire life right now.

I feel like lately I've been reevaluating who I am and who I want to become.

I feel like God is trying to do something in my life, I'm just not sure what. 

Stress

Stress : physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension 

I. Am. Stressed.

Why?

I feel like I have a million things to do and really little time to do it. 

Like let's see...

1. VBS stuff

2. I have to call about my dumb scholarship that they haven't sent to me yet

3. Apartment shopping (which I'm actually looking forward to, I just need to find the time)

4. Register for classes (they decided to close it until July 28th for some reason...thanks)

5. Move out of our house and into my parent's apartment

BLAH BLAH BLAH

Heaven is going to be awesome...no stress, never run out of time...it's going to be glorious :)

"Jessica, We Need to Talk" -God

OK so I talked a little yesterday about how the Lord spoke to me last week.

I got the chance to talk about it with my parents last night and it seriously led me to tears.

I didn't really know how to describe how the Lord had spoken to me, I just knew that I needed to start over in a few areas.

I finally realized that it was seeing Christ in the group of college students last week that made me want to change who I have been lately.

They reflected Christ like a mirror, and I want that so badly. 

God gave me a couple specific areas that He wants me to change in.

1. I really need to start having a DAILY quiet time again.

2. I need to make Him 100% number one in my life.

So today I read a little in Ecclesiastes 5 for my college Bible study.

Verse 7 really popped out...

"Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore, stand in awe of God."

It reminds me of the "Be still and know that I am God." verse.

It's pretty much saying "Jessica, shut up and realize how awesome I am."

I don't do that near enough. I am always running around doing something and I never seem to just stop and take in His beauty.

I just need to slow down.

Psalm 84:2 says

"My soul YEARNS, even faints for courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh CRY OUT for the living God." 

My prayer is that I will become like that, and that I will desire the Lord more than anything.

I Forgot To Mention

We sold our house last Sunday...

Am I happy?

Well, here's how it went down..

So last Sunday I was feeling pretty crumby (I had some hardcore allergies...I would go into detail, but it's quite unpleasant), and I had to skip church, so my day was already not going to well. I started doing some laundry, and my dad came prancing down the hall yelling "We sold our house!" 

I'm thinking "ok, so I missed church because my whole head is about to explode from allergies, I'm doing my laundry, and now my house is pretty much no longer mine."

Let's just say that it wasn't the greatest timing.

I think I'm fine with it now though. I had 5 hours to think and vent about it to Patty on the way to Sherman the next day (poor Patty).

But I am proud of my parents. I definitely think they are making the right choice. It's going to be an interesting adventure.

In Your Face...

So this past week I went to help out at Centri-kid.

I'm not gonna lie...I was kind of not looking forward to it because I was having to miss the mission trip to Progreso.

BUT

God is amazing...

and this week I learned so much. 

First of all...I am almost positive about what I want to do next summer. I'm thinking about being on staff for either Centri-kid or Crosspoint. Of course I have to go through the interviews and such first, but I'm really considering doing that.

Second, God revealed to me that I haven't been putting him first at all lately. I've been much more focused on college stuff, moving, and other relationships. He showed me a group of college students that loved Him more than anything, and it showed. I was blown away by how on fire they were, and I remembered that I used to be in that place also.

And I want to be there again.

God put a desire in my soul to completely start over on some things, and I am at complete peace for the first time in a long time.

God is so great. I love how He totally shows me when I'm wrong. And I'm so thankful that He made this past week a very meaningful and memorable one.

What A Week

This week was insane.

I had the AMAZING opportunity to help out at "Kidz Kamp", and it was so much fun. I had the greatest (and cutest) group of kids. 

Patty let me lead a bible study group...and that was definitely a new experience. I didn't really know what to expect, but God definitely helped me through it.

It was an outside camp...and in case you didnt know, it was about 374183904371 degrees outside every day this week. The sun definitely sucked every ounce of energy out of me...well...it left enough for me to go work out with Austin a couple of days this week.

Speaking of working out with Austin...my arms are killing me right now. That man is going to kill me, but it's good for me, so I'm not complaining.

P.S. Austin is one very muscular dude

Well, I'm going to go read Ecclesiastes 1-2 for my Bible study (which I'm completely stoked about).

:)

It's Getting Close

So it's already July...where did summer go?

It feels like August is going to be here tomorrow...and I'll be off to college in no time.

It's so weird looking around my room and thinking that I won't be sleeping in this room every night. 

It's also crazy thinking that I'm going to be on my own. I'm not gonna lie...it freaks me out a little bit.

But at the same time I'm totally stoked.

I'm pretty content with life right now. Lately I have felt that I'm actually making some good choices, and I think the Lord has given me a peace about that.

Anyway...this was super short, I know, but I must be heading to bed...I have Kidz Kamp in the morning...and I definitely don't want to be tired :)

Sigh of Relief

I am finally getting all of my college business in order.

It feels great.

As college gets closer I am just getting more and more excited.

So. I have been working on thank you notes for all of my graduation stuff...

It. Is. Taking. FOREVER

Can't Sleep

I took a 4 hour nap today, and now I'm suffering the consequences...

OH OH...

I went to see Get Smart tonight....

It. Was. Awesome.

If you read that Austin American Statesman and saw that it only gave the movie 2 stars...don't listen to them....they are lying...

Steve Carell is officially one of my favorite actors...

I also saw a peacock tonight...that was pretty awesome..and random.

It was really pretty, but totally freaked me out b/c I definitely wasn't expecting it.

It's not every day that you see a peacock running down the middle of the road.

Anyway...I am actually getting a bit tired now, so I think it's time for me to go to bed...

Full Body Massage, Please

This weekend was SUPERB

and incredibly fun...

I went to my lakehouse in Granbury with Ashley, Megan, Austin, Chris, Matt, and Kasey.

IT WAS SO FUN...

We woke up at 6:30am to go out on the lake.
We were out on the lake until 7:30ish that evening.
We had a couple of breaks in between for breakfast and lunch, but for the majority of the day we were wakeboarding, skiing (trying to slalom), and tubing.
We are all pretty much pros now.


However, I am now sore in places that I definitely didn't even know I had.
No fun.

I'm in great need of a masseuse.

My Baby

She was born June 17th, 2008 and weighs 7 pounds. 

I'm still thinking of a name, so if you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know :)

LA LA LA

It's summer.

Finally.

It's weird to think that this is my last summer before college.
Wasn't it just yesterday that I was swinging on my swingset, playing team tag with all the neighbors, and begging my parents to let me stay up till 9:00 (which was pretty late way back when)?

Those were the days.



Some of my FAVORITE summer things to do:
-Run around barefoot
-Kayak
-Go to the lake
-Look at the stars
-Play guitar outside
-Go on long walks
-Listen to cute summery songs
-Wear dresses
-Eat popsicles
-Run through sprinklers
-Stay up late
-Let my uncle throw me off the tube 3267932 times
-Water ski

Oh how I love summer

Let's All Just Slow Down A Bit

....it's 100% crazy right now.

Although I have figured out what college I'm going to (which was a huge step), I still feel that life is going a million miles an hour and I'm having a REALLY hard time keeping up.

There are about a billion things that I need to do...and I feel so unorganized...argh







Oh...and I'm just going to say that waking up at 4 in the morning is TERRIBLE...
and that's what I have to do in the morning, so I should probably be getting to bed...

FINALLY...

So...I have finally made a decision about college!

After a massive amount of thinking, pondering, and wavering in between which college to choose (UNT or Blinn TEAM)...I have chosen...

DRUM ROLL PLEASE

BLINN TEAM! :)

I'm actually quite excited about it. I'm probably going to get a marketing degree to help me if I want to start my own photography business one day. AND...since I am so incredibly passionate about photography, I'll probably try and get on the the yearbook staff or something of the sort, and do some clubs.
I'm also probably going to take a photography class at ACC next summer...

I have it all planned out, and I'm SUPER stoked.


Also I have made a list of my goals for this summer:

-Work (Moonie's and internship at the church)
-Hang out with friends...A LOT
-Run at least 3 times a week (so far...not too good in this area)
-Meet Jason Castro (I'm actually completely serious...)
-Make my faith my own and make it REALLY REAL
-Figure out my housing situation for next year
-Get a sweet tan :)
-Be spontaneous
-Read a few books (even reading one will be an accomplishment)
-Write at least 3 new songs
-Buy a MacBook
-Look at a BUNCH of stars...
-Spend a lot of time outside
-Do something thoughtful for someone once a week

I think that's pretty much it...I'll probably be adding more later.
This summer is going to be amazing...I can't wait :)

College Station Adventures

This weekend I had the opportunity to go to the lovely COLLEGE STATION :)

Kasey and Alecia were kind enough to let me stay with them, so that was superb.

Saturday was a pretty great day.
I got the chance to participate in Big Event which is the largest service project in the U.S. Over 10,400 students participated this year. My brother was leading a group, so I got to help out! :)
We went to this lady's house to help her clean up her yard. It was pretty fun, and I got to meet some new people, so that was fun! :)
THEN...
Saturday night I got to hang out with Austin and Chris. We went to Rumors (a little sandwhich place on campus) which was pretty good. It was good to hang out with those 2 crazy hooligans for a while :)

ANYWHO...
I definitely took a wrong turn on the way home and it took me 2 and half hours to get home, but oh well :)

It as a pretty great/relaxing weekend!

Just Another Lovely Day...

This morning I was blessed enough to be awakened by Mr. Austin Wilson running down the hallway into my brother's room and yelling "WAKE UP MAN!" (Take note: it was 6:45 AM).
My dad is rebuilding the fence on the side of our house and we were all given the grand opportunity of helping him out (we did get paid...big plus).
After my heart stopped pounding out of fear that some crazy man was trying to kidnap my brother, I woke up (not very easily) and headed into the kitchen.
My mom (bless her soul) was making breakfast for all of us. Biscuits, sausage (Reid's sausage...only the best) and eggs.
As I was pulling the biscuits out of the oven, my hand just so happened to graze the celing of the oven...lovely. I definitely have a blister on my hand from the burn.
After stuffing ourselves for breakfast we headed out to the backyard.
We started pulling the fence apart (14-year old fence at that), and Chris and Austin started digging holes for new posts.
Thinking I was super cool because I had just managed to throw a piece of concrete into the trash can from 25 feet away, I started walking past my brother. Then, to my surprise, my left foot sunk about two feet into the ground into one of Chris' holes.

Austin's response: "haha that...was...awesome"
Chris' response: --I won't repeat it...it was too embarrassing--

10 o'clock finally rolled around and I went to get ready for work (Moonie's is a lifesaver).
I was already pretty tired when I got to work, and I was definitely not ready for what the day had in store.
It. Was. Craziness.
I pretty much felt like I was running around the whole day.
I finally got to go on my lunch break, but it was pretty late in the afternoon. Also, I had made a committment to not eat a Moonie's burger this week...I definitely blew that today.
I couldn't resist.
A nice big California burger with crispy fries just sounded SO good. There was no denying it.
After my lunch break things went pretty well.
It wasn't as crazy and for some reason Abe was EXTRA funny today and I probably lost 100 calories just from laughing.

My family and I went to the Good Friday service tonight. Barbara (pretty much my other mother) sang a lovely song and almost made me cry (it doesn't take much).

While Chris and I was driving home, I glanced up at the sky and the moon was GLOWING.
It's was so beautiful.
I can actually see it now through the window.
I'm completely amazed.

It was just another lovely day...

:)

PEACE

Lately the Lord has really blessed me with peace about my life.

I have finally come to the point where I'm completely content with what HE has planned for my future...
a few examples:
-whether or not I get into A&M
-future relationships (which have a been a biggie lately)
-my career plans

I'm also amazed at how the Lord gave me direction in something I had been completely confused about for a few months...I feel like a GARGANTUAN weight has been lifted off of my sholders.

Past Few Days...

Moonie's is so fun!

I'm actually quite disappointed that I didn't apply for this job sooner. Everyone that works there is super nice and so far there aren't any shady guys like at Hollister.

It has been a good couple of days (work-wise).


In other aspects of life I have been somewhat confused and frustrated with some things.
I'm not going to totally spill my guts,
but these past few days have been a little challenging for me.

Unfortunately the Devil knows all of the places that he can tempt me the most,
and he's been trying really hard to make me stumble
And, I have to admit, he has done quite a good job in some places.

HOWEVER,
last night I kind of broke down and just cried out to the Lord.
It was so amazing b/c after I finished my little crying session with God, I felt so much PEACE.

It was great.

Today I feel a little better and I was in a more energetic mood at work which was good.

I've also been studying the Bible more.
David is one of my favorite characters, so I'm busy reading about him and things that took place before and after him.
I'm really trying to dig deeper.
David was a man after God's own heart, and that's how I want to be (except not a man of course)

welp,
I just watched Wicker Park (Josh Hartnett=heart throb...haha) which is a pretty good movie.
It is quite stressful though...b/c you're on the edge of your seat the entire movie

I must be going to bed now...
I've got some workin out to do in the morning :)

An Eye-Opening Day

I now have a job at Moonie's Burger House...

I'm pretty excited...Ashley works there, so that should be fun...

AND....it's close to the Brewers' so I can go visit them WHENEVER I want (haha just kidding Ashley)... :)

You know, through all of this I have realized that God really is sovereign (duh). God wants me to work at Moonie's (or I wouldn't have gotten the job).
I mean, I spent 2 hours in Target today applying and going through 2 interviews. There was really no reason for them not to hire me. Then they come and tell me that they won't hire me b/c I don't work Sundays. First of all..that's ridiculous...Secondly, total God thing.

Then I go to Moonie's and they are SO nice to me. The guy pretty much just sat me down and we had a friendly conversation (AKA: an interview). He was a really nice guy who had actually visited my church at one point (cool stuff), and he was talking about how his wife takes off on Wednesdays for a bible study (more cool stuff). It was pretty neato.

So I feel pretty confident that this is where God wants me.

God also convicted me about where my joy and happiness comes from.
Am I only happy when things go well? Or am I still joyful in the hard times?
I really need to work on this.
I need to be joyful in the Lord even when my parents are upset with me; even when Target rejects me; even when Rudy's doesn't have a spot for me; even when I'm driving through the nasty rain searching for a job that seems to not exist.

I need to be joyful in the Lord...

Sad Day

I heard from Rudy's today.
The lady (Danielle) said that the interview went great, my references were great, and that she would love to hire me...

BUT (I officially dislike that word)...

she said there are no positions open at the 620 location...bummer...


THEREFORE

my job search will continue tomorrow...
I have now entered the desperate stage, so I think that I am actually going to go to H.E.B. tomorrow.
I've been putting it off...but it seems that it is one of my last choices...

I am so frustrated!

What's Been Goin On

I got my hair cut for the first time in...6 months?
4 1/2 inches my friends...that's a lot. It's going to take some getting used to.

I had my interview with Rudy's yesterday. It went pretty well, but they are so selective in who they hire, so who knows. She said that she would contact me in a day or two...so we'll see!

I've been compiling all of the pictures from Thailand which has made me miss it even more.
We have a group meeting on Thursday that I'm really looking forward to. I'm excited to hear how people have changed since the trip. I'm excited to tell people how the Lord has changed ME since the trip. :)

I saw Juno on Sunday with a few friends. It was a pretty good movie, but there were a few things that I didn't agree with (which is to be expected considering the focus is on teen pregnancy). They made teen pregnancy seem like it was something normal that happens to everyone. They couldn't really say anything bad about it, so they didn't make it look bad. I guess this is to be expected from Hollywood, but still.
There are some good elements to the movie (like the growing relationship between Juno and her dad), and I think I probably lost a few pounds from laughing so hard. And let's not forget the incredible soundtrack. :)

I've been a little distracted lately. I've been focusing so much on getting a job that I feel like I have put the Lord aside.

I don't want that.

I want the Lord to be the center of my life. I don't want to just find ways to fit Him into my life, I want to build my life AROUND Him.

New Song...

It was inspired by the Tamar Center in Thailand, and it kind of tells the story of a girl that finds Tamar. It also talks about the Lord's fatherly love for us. The lady (Nancy) that was giving us a tour of the Tamar Center told us that the time they see the most hearts turned towards the Lord is when they are talking about fatherly love, so I thought it was relevant to make that a key part of the song.

The Lord is so great...I can't take any credit for any song that I write because the Lord has given me all the words. I literally prayed for the Lord to give me the words to this song b/c I want people to know the reality of what happens in Pattaya. I literally had NO words...the Lord blessed me with them.

:)

Full Day and It's Only 10:00am

I have failed to mention thus far that I received a letter in the mail from Ford informing me that there has been a recall of all 2003 Ford Escapes for the accelerator cable. Yipee...
So..this morning I had the great pleasure of taking my car in.
After I FINALLY found the service place (the signs were not the least bit helpful) I dropped my car off. I was also informed that my inspection was 6 months overdue...oops.
Well, a "shuttle" took me back home (more like a minivan with a guy in it..and me). That was quite an adventure as well.
I got home safe and sound (which is somewhat of a miracle) and was pretty proud of myself for dealing with my car all by myself.

Around 9:00 I got a call from Kelly Services telling me that they had a "long-term" job for me (which turns out to actually be a short-term job). They want me to actually work IN their office. Well, this can get a bit confusing because I'm supposed to hear back from Rudy's today about doing a second interview, so that could become a problem if I have a full-time job with Kelly.

I just love how I completely lose hope in Kelly and then they start calling me off the wall.

BUT...at least I have options, right?

Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. Seeing how God shapes and molds me during these next few months
2. Being completely content with His plan for my life
3. Having a more intimate relationship with my Creator
4. Strengthening my friendships with fellow believers
5. Writing a few more songs
6. Getting a consistent job
7. Spring Break
8. Senior Pictures
9. Seeing Ashley's baby in March :)
10. Hearing from A&M in April (hopefully good news!)
11. Hearing what GOD wants me to do with my life next year
12. Meeting with Barbara and Paige tomorrow night :)

I Have Come to the Realization...

Life is not about me.
I know, crazy right?
But seriously...I really need to instill that into my brain as much as possible.
One of my good friends was kind enough to bring that to my attention when I was voicing my fear of getting a drama queen as a roommate next year.
I'm actually quite thankful for his directness.
In the past few days I have really noticed how selfish I am.
Even in yesterday's post.
All I was concerned about at the moment was how my parents' move was going to impact ME.
I wasn't thinking about all the lives that will be changed because of their step of faith to help out in this church plant.

SO...
If I could get as many people as possible to tell me every day that LIFE IS NOT ABOUT ME, that would seriously be fantastic.
I need to work on being way more selfless and not being as concerned about how things will affect my life.

ANOTHER THING...
The Lord is amazing.
Yesterday I got the chance to bask in His greatness on the 360 overlook. I had the chance to just talk to Him without any distractions. I gave some things to Him that I am completely putting into His hands (college plans, relationships, etc.). It was very freeing. I'm completely determined to start walking by faith and truly believing that the Lord has complete control over everything.

I can't wait to see what is waiting ahead :)

My Cleaning Thoughts...

So, I decided to thoroughly clean my room and closet today (which was desperately needed).
I had so many old papers, binders, folders, books, and projects piled up in my closet that I really needed to do something with. I'm somewhat of a pack-rat, so I didn't want to throw it ALL away, so I just kind of shoved it onto a shelf in my closet.

ANYWAY,
As I'm cleaning my mom informs me that we're going to have to clean out all of the closets pretty soon anyway because they may be putting the house on the market...

....

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped.
They have been talking about moving for a while, but I guess hearing the words

"We may be putting our house on the market."

really put it into reality.

I've spent pretty much my ENTIRE life in this house.

I have so many memories of my friends coming over, parties I've had, and conversations that have happened.
I have memories of redoing my room over and over again until I finally loved it enough to keep it like it is until I leave.
I have memories of our old swing set that Chris and I helped my dad build when we were little.
I have memories of playing the piano with GranAnn in the living room during Christmas.
There are memories of playing Ultimate Spoons with Casey, Cord, and Joel in the kitchen and running down the hallways to get to the spoons that were on my bed (and pretty much killing ourselves in the process).
I love the memories of the summers that my friends and I would lay in the middle of our street late at night and look at the stars.
I have memories of playing "team tag" with all of my neighbors when we were younger.
We used to play kickball in the culdesac (sp?) and basketball at my neighbors' house.
There are memories of the many crazy videos that Paige and I have made in our play room.

But most of all, there are memories of my ENTIRE family being in the same house at the same time for many many years. There won't be those memories at this other house (if my parents decide to move). It won't really even be MY house. It will just be the house that I go back to visit.

I completely respect my parents for making the decision to help out with the church that my church is planting, but I'm just going to miss my house.

And I guess really when I think about it, it's kind of dumb that I'm going to miss an object that isn't even living. And they haven't even decided FOR SURE if they are going to move. It doesn't even really matter in the long run.
But I'm still going to miss it.

...that's just what I was thinking about while I was cleaning...

So Tired...

Unfortunately I stayed up 'till 2:30am every morning this weekend, so I'm INCREDIBLY tired today.
I'm turning in my application to Rudy's today, so hopefully I won't be too tired for that.
I probably should have thought about that before.

I have about an hour and a half left here at BGI and then I'm headed over to Rudy's.

We'll see what happens!

WEEKEND

This weekend was DNow at my church.
It was the first time since Thailand that I REALLY got the chance to worship the Lord with song in a setting like that.
I came to the realization that the Lord has really changed my perspective on things. When we were singing the words "shine you light and let the whole world see", the words "let the whole world see" really stuck out at me.
After being in Thailand, I no longer think of the "world" as seperate masses of people.
I see faces.
I see faces of people that God gave me the opportunity to hand a bible to.
I see the faces of people walking along the streets in Pattaya.
It's a great thing. I feel so blessed that the Lord has opened my eyes to things like this.

What I Do at Work

If you can tell me what this is, I will give you 5 bucks. I found this on Jaclyn's computer...

Isn't it Ironic...

So, isn't it ironic how the moment I give up on my temp job and any other work I may have, I get calls for jobs.
This morning I woke up expecting to do some rigorous job searching until I got a call from Jaclyn asking if I would like to work today (OF COURSE! anything to keep me from the nightmare of job hunting).
So, I'm diligently working in the BGI office when I get a call from Kelly Services (what are the odds?) telling me they have a one-day assignment for tomorrow (of course it couldn't be a long-term assignment) making phone calls and mailing stuff. So that's what I will be doing tomorrow.
I am still going to head over to Archivers after I'm done at BGI and ask if they are hiring (I'll take discounts on scrapbooking stuff any day).

Well, I must get back to working...

The Continual Job Search

Why are jobs so hard to find?

I thought my job searching was over when I was hired by a temp agency...but now I've come to find that "temp agency" means just that.
Starting tomorrow morning I get to experience the joys of job searching once more. This time in search for a "REAL" full-time job.

Here are the options I am contemplating:
-HEB (I remember as a little girl my mom telling me that HEB was for people that didn't go to college...great)
-Archivers (a scrapbooking place...AKA: heaven)
-Bank (but I'm not really into the whole dressing up for work thing)

We'll see what happens tomorrow...