It's 1:00 AM and I feel like Ranting...

I know that God's timing is perfect, and I know that He has everything under control, but it is still SO hard for me to wait.

I hate waiting to see how certain situations will unfold. I mean, I have a hard time waiting for the stop light to turn green, and I'm supposed to wait to see how my life is going to turn out?

I guess lately this has hit me because I am so ready to just move on with my life and get out of school. I'm ready to start feeling like I'm actually living--which is exactly what I said before I went to college ha...oh well.

ANYWAY....bottom line...it would be awesome if I knew what my future was and I didn't have to wait around for it to happen....but it's strengthening me to have to wait.

There are so many things that I'm hoping for right now, but I have no idea if they are in God's plan for my life or not....all I can do is pray about it.

In Desperate Need of an Update...

So as I was reading over my last blog entry I realized that I am in desperate need of an update (hence the title of this entry).

So to start off...

Life is Dandy :)

I finally grew a brain and realized that the reason I was so miserable was because I was completely ignoring what the Lord was saying to me. I came to the conclusion that it was either be miserable, or obey God...so I chose the latter.

I can't tell you how different life has been since. God provided me with some incredible friends, and He allowed me to reconnect a friend that I felt distant from. He filled my heart with an incredible amount of joy that I find hard to even describe, and He gave me my encouraging and optimistic attitude back. 

Looking back I realize that God used my trials, obstacles, and mistakes from last semester to grow me into who I am now (thank you Ben for helping me realize this). I was obviously at A&M for that one semester for a reason, and I truly believe it was so I could grow and learn from my experiences. Although I would do things differently if I got the chance, I am still thankful that the Lord used those hard times to sharpen me...even if I didn't know it.

I have had an overwhelming sense of peace lately...TRUE peace. Although sometimes I wish the future would hurry up and get her, I can't help but think that it is going to be amazing. I'm at the point right now where I will do whatever the Lord asks of me. Things always go better His way (took me long enough to figure that one out!), so I'm committed to doing whatever He asks. Thinking of the future almost brings tears of happiness to my eyes because I'm so incredibly excited.

Well...I must be heading to bed. My teddy bear Chubby looks lonely on my pillow... :)

Emotions

Although life without emotions would be incredibly boring, I also believe that life without emotions would be less confusing. 

Lately there have been so many things going on, so many new things thrown in my face, and so many changes that I think I have about a million different emotions going on inside of me right now.

Just to list a few off...

-Fear

-Sadness

-Excitement

-Regret

-Confusion

-Anticipation

-Frustration

-Eagerness

-Longing

The list goes on.

The ways that I let my emotions out the best is through song and through painting. Barbara reminded me of this when I talked to her yesterday, and I have made it my goal to paint something and/or write a song that depicts how I'm feeling sometime this week. I have no idea how it will turn out. I guess we will have to see.

The world is a crazy place I have decided. It throws things at you that you didn't see coming and didn't have time to prepare for. I wish I had been prepared for so much more when I went to college. I wish I had known what to do in certain situations. Maybe people had even tried telling me what to do, I was just too prideful to take it into consideration. Stupid me.

My life right now feels like a wrestling match. I feel like I am having to wrestle all of these different obstacles, but each obstacle leaves something behind...good or bad. There is either the pain of knowing that I definitely didn't do what I was supposed to do, or contentment, knowing that I did the right thing. And with every different obstacle, there is another emotion that just gets added to the pile. 

I wonder if the craziness ever ends. Will there be a time in my life when I am completely content and at peace? Or will it always feel as if I'm fighting for my life (or maybe just my sanity)? 

I'm just ready for my life to feel normal again. No more regrets, no more stupid mistakes. Just me, Jessica. The real me; the happy me. I'm ready to be the girl I used to be. The happy, carefree, joyful, energetic Jessica.

I Wish I Could Go Back in Time

So maybe this is a little bit of a contradiction to my last entry, but I need to vent, and that's what blogs are for right?

I can't stop thinking about how different things would be if I had just taken things seriously last semester. If I had just listened more intently in my classes, actually gone to all my classes, talked to the professors, gone to tutoring, studied harder--pretty much done everything that everyone told me to do--I would be going back to A&M next semester. I wish I had a do-over. Just one more chance to prove myself.

Why on earth is this happening to me?

Why did God have to make me the kind of person that can't seem to take things seriously when I need to. I seem to think that everything is going to be fine no matter what, but that's not true. I have to work for the things I want. I wish I could just get that hammered in my head.

I'm going to miss so much next semester. All my close friends are in College Station. Why do we have to be separated?

I know that God has to have some big plan in all of this, but what is it? Why can't I just know what He's thinking? Why does life have to be so hard?

This is the lowest point of my life, and it's so hard. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life, I feel like nothing is going right, and no matter how hard I try, things don't get any easier. There is always another bump in the road or another wall to climb. I'm so tired of this.

I just wish I could go back in time and do it all over. I feel like such a failure. I failed my parents and I definitely failed myself. I had such a careless attitude. I just wish I could do it all over again...the right way.

This is so hard, and I just want to go back.

I'm Looking Forward

These past couple of weeks have been completely insane.

I have gone through a lot of changes and have had to really step out of my comfort zone. 

BUT

I'm a little excited about next semester despite the fact that I'm not going to be at A&M.

I'm excited about finally following my dream. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm really supposed to be doing photography. Looking at pictures makes me want to go out and make something look beautiful. :)

I also feel like the Lord has something else planned for me outside of just what I'm going to major in. I mean, maybe it's going into the ministry, doing missions, or something else. I have no idea. But I do know that I'm completely open to whatever He has planned. I've gone through so much these past few weeks, that nothing can stop me from doing what I want or think I should do :)

Bring it on. 

I Miss How I Used To Be

These past few days I've just been thinking about the times that I was happiest.

They were obviously the times that I was 100% right with the Lord. 

I just remember how carefree, innocent, and joyful I was...pretty much all the time. I miss just being myself; I miss feeling at peace about everything in my life; I miss knowing that everything was going to be ok no matter what; I miss the way the Lord used to speak to me in incredible ways; I miss writing songs about my Savior; I miss being creative and doing nice things for my friends; I miss the way I used to be able to cheer people up; I miss everything.

I want that back so badly. I know the only way I can get it back is to be right with the Lord again. I think that my laziness is just getting in the way. I keep thinking "Ah! It's going to take too much work!" Why can't I realize that it's worth it...what is stopping me!?

Christmas break is going to be glorious. I'm going to get the chance to be with the Lord without any distractions....except for the jobs that I'm going to have. I'm going to spend some time on the 360 overlook just basking in His greatness and completely turning my life over to Him. I can't wait.

I'm Changing my Plans

AHHHHH!

Yes I know, my life seems like a roller coaster, and I'm sure that everyone looking from the outside in is totally confused.

BUT...

Right now, here is the plan.

I didn't do as well at Blinn TEAM as I thought I would. I admit that it is completely my fault, but I also wasn't expecting it to be as tough as it was.

ANYWAY...to give you the readers' digest version, I am going to be going home next semester. I think it's the best choice for me in many ways. I need to get my entire life back on track because I feel that I haven't been living the way I'm supposed to since I got to A&M. I need to focus on my spiritual walk as well as my grades, and I think that the best way for me to do that right now is by staying home.

ALSO...

I am probably going to be pursuing photography again. ACC has one of the best programs in the nation, and I think that photography is really my passion. Not to say that I wouldn't LOVE to do kinesiology and be a PE teacher, I just feel like my true passion is in photography.

I'm totally excited...!!

I feel like I am going to be more motivated to do my work since I am really working toward something that I love to do.

This is going to be a big change, but I'm ready to face it...I think. :)