I Wish I Could Go Back in Time

So maybe this is a little bit of a contradiction to my last entry, but I need to vent, and that's what blogs are for right?

I can't stop thinking about how different things would be if I had just taken things seriously last semester. If I had just listened more intently in my classes, actually gone to all my classes, talked to the professors, gone to tutoring, studied harder--pretty much done everything that everyone told me to do--I would be going back to A&M next semester. I wish I had a do-over. Just one more chance to prove myself.

Why on earth is this happening to me?

Why did God have to make me the kind of person that can't seem to take things seriously when I need to. I seem to think that everything is going to be fine no matter what, but that's not true. I have to work for the things I want. I wish I could just get that hammered in my head.

I'm going to miss so much next semester. All my close friends are in College Station. Why do we have to be separated?

I know that God has to have some big plan in all of this, but what is it? Why can't I just know what He's thinking? Why does life have to be so hard?

This is the lowest point of my life, and it's so hard. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life, I feel like nothing is going right, and no matter how hard I try, things don't get any easier. There is always another bump in the road or another wall to climb. I'm so tired of this.

I just wish I could go back in time and do it all over. I feel like such a failure. I failed my parents and I definitely failed myself. I had such a careless attitude. I just wish I could do it all over again...the right way.

This is so hard, and I just want to go back.

I'm Looking Forward

These past couple of weeks have been completely insane.

I have gone through a lot of changes and have had to really step out of my comfort zone. 

BUT

I'm a little excited about next semester despite the fact that I'm not going to be at A&M.

I'm excited about finally following my dream. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm really supposed to be doing photography. Looking at pictures makes me want to go out and make something look beautiful. :)

I also feel like the Lord has something else planned for me outside of just what I'm going to major in. I mean, maybe it's going into the ministry, doing missions, or something else. I have no idea. But I do know that I'm completely open to whatever He has planned. I've gone through so much these past few weeks, that nothing can stop me from doing what I want or think I should do :)

Bring it on. 

I Miss How I Used To Be

These past few days I've just been thinking about the times that I was happiest.

They were obviously the times that I was 100% right with the Lord. 

I just remember how carefree, innocent, and joyful I was...pretty much all the time. I miss just being myself; I miss feeling at peace about everything in my life; I miss knowing that everything was going to be ok no matter what; I miss the way the Lord used to speak to me in incredible ways; I miss writing songs about my Savior; I miss being creative and doing nice things for my friends; I miss the way I used to be able to cheer people up; I miss everything.

I want that back so badly. I know the only way I can get it back is to be right with the Lord again. I think that my laziness is just getting in the way. I keep thinking "Ah! It's going to take too much work!" Why can't I realize that it's worth it...what is stopping me!?

Christmas break is going to be glorious. I'm going to get the chance to be with the Lord without any distractions....except for the jobs that I'm going to have. I'm going to spend some time on the 360 overlook just basking in His greatness and completely turning my life over to Him. I can't wait.

I'm Changing my Plans

AHHHHH!

Yes I know, my life seems like a roller coaster, and I'm sure that everyone looking from the outside in is totally confused.

BUT...

Right now, here is the plan.

I didn't do as well at Blinn TEAM as I thought I would. I admit that it is completely my fault, but I also wasn't expecting it to be as tough as it was.

ANYWAY...to give you the readers' digest version, I am going to be going home next semester. I think it's the best choice for me in many ways. I need to get my entire life back on track because I feel that I haven't been living the way I'm supposed to since I got to A&M. I need to focus on my spiritual walk as well as my grades, and I think that the best way for me to do that right now is by staying home.

ALSO...

I am probably going to be pursuing photography again. ACC has one of the best programs in the nation, and I think that photography is really my passion. Not to say that I wouldn't LOVE to do kinesiology and be a PE teacher, I just feel like my true passion is in photography.

I'm totally excited...!!

I feel like I am going to be more motivated to do my work since I am really working toward something that I love to do.

This is going to be a big change, but I'm ready to face it...I think. :)

He's Called the Prince of Peace for a Reason

Peace: Freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility 

After working everything out and just laying my problems at the Lord's feet, He completely filled me with an overwhelming sense of joy and peace. I have been a much happier person this week which has definitely confused a few people. On Monday, despite the huge amount of studying and writing that I had to do, I was so joyful....the only explanation is the Lord. One of my friends was like "Jessica, it's normal to be upset...you don't have to fake being happy." I definitely wasn't faking.

The weather is helping with my good mood as well. It's the perfect temperature, and the skies are the bluest blue I've ever seen. It is amazing. :)

OH...creepy story real fast...So at the intersection of Texas and Holleman there are a million birds that completely cover the traffic lights, the shopping center signs, the grass, the trees...they are EVERYWHERE. It's exactly like the movie The Birds if you've ever seen it. I go as fast as I can through that intersection b/c I'm always afraid birds are going to attack my car...haha

Anyway...the joys of geography await....

Future

Lately I have found myself thinking about my future a lot.

What will I do when I get out of college? Where will I live? But the question most frequently crossing my mind has been "Who will my husband be?"

I joke around all the time about going to college to get my "MRS. Degree", but half the time...I don't think I'm joking. It seems like every guy I meet I'm like "Oh is he the one? What about him? Or him?". And with every new guy friendship I have learned a lot about who I am and what kind of guy I want to marry. However, there are times when I want God to grant me with a power that will allow me to see whether or not this guy is the one for me...but unfortunately, he never does. 

I need to trust in the Lord and His plan for my life. I know, I know, I say that all the time, but just like every other time, it's just as relevant. And just like every time, I'm not doing it.

It is so hard! And I always tell myself "well if I just had a husband, trusting the Lord would be so much easier", but deep down, I know thats not true.

Through all of this craziness I have come to realize that God has blessed me with really good discernment. I don't know why, but I am so thankful. I feel like I can pick out who is real and who is fake toward me. HOWEVER, I tend to screw it up sometimes and completely ignore it if God is saying "Uh, Jessica, this is definitely not the guy." Sometimes I just blow him off, which totally ruins the whole gift of discernment.

BUT...I can now say that I have been completely up front with the guys that I do NOT want a relationship with, and it feels wonderful. That actually sounds a little harsh when I say it like that, but let it be known that I let them know in a very loving way. 

Things are complicated...but it is all going to be ok :)

P.S. The school part of college is about a million times harder than the social part....it's a proven fact.

God is Awesome

OH MY GOODNESS!

He has been working in my life like no other in the past 2 days.

Although it hasn't necessarily been easy, I know He's doing something.

At church yesterday the sermon spoke to me like no other.

It was seriously like "Oh hey Jessica. I'm God. I love you. You should love others. You should put what you learn into practice. Why haven't you been doing that anyway?"

Whenever I struggle with certain things I have been searching His Word, and it has helped me so much!

I still have a lot of things to work on, but He's slowly but surly changing my heart...and it's awesome :)